In the past few weeks several women have come to my office for help with their romantic relationships. They are frustrated, sad, disappointed and often at the end of their rope. This is pretty common, as most people don’t seeking counseling unless they are distressed or unhappy. But recently I’ve encountered a recurring theme with these women that has been particularly disappointing to me, as both a professional counselor and a person.

Their problem is (according to these women): ” I am having problems being rational about being unhappy. My partner/husband/boyfriend keeps telling me how illogical and emotional I am being, and he is right. I need to just learn to be less emotional and more logical, like men.”

What alarms me about these statements (and more often the general tone and attitude that comes with them)  is the complete disregard for feelings. In many situations it can be valuable to be logical and rationale, and in others that is simply not being genuine or connected. Human’s emotions have an internal logic and alert us when something is out of balance or off in our lives. We need to listen to that instinct and approach it with curiosity and interest, not push it away because it is not “logical”. In short the process of pushing away can easliy turn into avoidance, denial,  minimizing or suppression of  feelings. All of which make a difficult problem worse…not better.

As a culture America does a good job of teaching rugged individualism and determination. After all the American dream is based on pushing through difficulties and not relying on others. In a business sense this can be useful, but when applied to one’s personal life it can be detrimental. It is my hope that in the future we Americans can teach both our boys and girls that feelings are not bad.  And that we can instill an appreciate for both masculine and feminine ways of thinking and being.  Let us work to build a culture that appreciates the female perspective (as different from the male perspective, but) as equally valuable.