Most of the time when I see couples for counseling it is because they have somehow gotten trapped in a vicious cycle of arguing. One partner says something that sets the other one off, the aggravated partner responds by getting defensive and hurling back an equally hurtful comment. This comment serves to escalate the conflict… and before you know it, it’s off to the races to see who can better prove their point/position.

Does this sound familiar? When we get into an argument with someone we’re close to it is easy to be blinded by our emotional responses and root deeper & deeper into why we are right and they are wrong. Although this is instinctive, it is also the most sure-fire way to keep conflict going and delay reaching a resolution.

Often one of the partners will say “She did it first!” or “He started it!”. This is silly and more importantly its unproductive. The next time you are in fight with a loved one; the quicker you can let go of your need to be right and focus on what you really want in the situation (ex: to feel appreciated, to express your pain, etc.), the faster you will be able to work toward a solution that will satisfy both parties.

Fisher and Ury put it best when they stated” For a wise solution, reconcile interests not positions.”