In the past I have heard people say some of the most hurtful remarks to their partners and claim that they we’re just trying “to be honest.”

Being completely honest is not only unproductive it can be hurtful, cruel and destructive.  Last week I saw a young married couple in their early thirties for the first time.

After speaking with them for about 2 minutes it became obvious to me that they were very emotionally distant from one another and unnervingly (to me) used to it. Despite the fact that each of them was unhappy in their marriage neither of them expressed any emotion toward one another. It was all rationale and logical.

I asked them about what they felt the problems in their marriage were. The husband responded with ” well, I feel …trapped, I want to be able to have my own schedule.” Although this is a little disturbing to hear, it is not too out of the ordinary for a distressed couple that one or both of the partners to want time away (usually from conflict).  I nodded in understanding and then the discussion took an unexpected turn for the worst….

The wife stated that she felt that when she time she spends time with her husband, it is unlike anyone else she’s ever been with, being with him brings out her best qualities. I asked him “what is it like for you to hear that?” hoping he might appreciate the compliment. Instead he replied “It just has me wondering ‘did I settle?’”

I held my composure, mostly because I was shocked.  His wife was shocked, too. She had no response, other than to look down at the floor.

This is a prime example of when honesty is not the best policy. Usually in therapy I encourage clients to be sincere and as genuine as possible. What concerned me the most about this comment was his intent. Of course, I cannot be entirely sure of what he hoped to get as a result of such harsh comment after the compliment she had given him. But it became apparent to me that he was out for blood. He was not fighting fair. When asked about his feelings in the moment, he responded with judgement and criticism.

Integrity is admirable, ruthless honesty is not. Pick and choose the situations where you are “completely honest.”